Helping Your Autistic Child Through Meltdowns: 6 Connection-First Strategies That Work

Meltdowns are not misbehaviour — they’re communication from an overwhelmed nervous system. In this episode, I walk you through what’s really happening beneath autistic meltdowns and how connection, not control, becomes the foundation for calming your child.

You’ll learn why meltdowns are a sign of overload, not defiance, and how your own nervous system plays a critical role in helping your child return to safety. I’ll take you inside what’s happening in your child’s brain during dysregulation and share six gentle, practical shifts that reduce stress and support co-regulation.

✨ In this episode:

 • What’s actually happening in your child’s brain during a meltdown
 • How your own regulation helps calm their nervous system
 • Six connection-first strategies that genuinely support your child
 • How to reduce overwhelm in daily routines and transitions
 • Why slowing down and connecting first works better than any script

If you’ve been trying traditional Autism strategies and feeling like nothing is helping, this episode will give you compassionate, grounded tools you can start using today to support your Autistic or PDA child through meltdowns more effectively.

Transcript

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Number one is you. You are the foundation that everything else is built on because here is the truth. If you are dysregulated, your child will mirror that dysregulation. Their dysregulated nervous system needs a calm, nervous system to feed off of. Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast. I'm Chantal Hewitt, an Au DHD Mom, experienced educator and autism support coach who understands your path because I also walk it daily. This is your space for real conversations that empower your autistic child, yourself and your family to thrive. Here we respect neurodiversity, cheer on advocacy, and leave judgment at the door. Join me inside this week's episode. Hello and welcome back to the Attuned Spectrum Podcast. If you are new here, I am so glad that you stumbled upon this episode, and if you have listened to the first four episodes, then thank you for joining me again. Today we will be talking about meltdowns. Those big, scary, long, intense meltdowns that we experience with our autistic children, as their parents. I know that feeling intimately because I've lived it. When my son was melting down for three plus hours a day, I kept thinking that I was always doing something wrong. I'm an expert in this field. I've supported many, many families. And my own, and I just could not understand what was happening inside my child's brain, in their nervous system. I kept asking, how do I stop this behaviour? How do I manage this behaviour? And now what I realize is that I should have been asking what is his behaviour trying to tell me? What am I not seeing or not listening to? So this shift from seeing meltdowns is a problem to solve, to seeing them as communication has changed everything for our family, and that is what we will unpack today. Let's start with what meltdowns actually are, when your child is melting down, their nervous system is in fight or flight mode. Their thinking brain. So the part of the brain that can actually listen and attune into you when they are regulated and where they can follow instructions or how they can regulate their emotions, it is completely offline during a meltdown. This is not defiance and it's not manipulation, and it is not them pushing your buttons. It is their nervous system screaming that they are overwhelmed, unsafe, and that they need help. And here's the thing that most parents don't realize. Your child isn't choosing this. They're not deciding to have a meltdown to get what they want despite what it might look like. Their brain is literally in survival mode, the part of their brain that can make these calculated decisions. Not available right now. when we respond to meltdowns with consequences or timeouts, or even time away to calm down, which is what I did, often we are speaking to a brain that cannot hear us. But here's what changed everything for me. I stopped trying to fix my son's meltdowns. I stopped trying to make them stop, Instead I started asking what is my son's nervous system telling me? And once I started listening, like really listening, I was able to pick up on patterns. these meltdowns he was having, they were not random. I noticed that they were after very rushed mornings, during transitions that he wasn't prepared for right after he'd been masking all day at either his daycare or later on at school, despite what everyone else says his day was like, his behaviour was never the problem.His behaviour is showing me or was showing me, continues to show me what his nervous system is communicating and now I know how to listen, and that's where everything shifted for us. Within one week of making these changes, he became calmer. He started allowing me to play alongside him again. He was communicating with me more, and ultimately I was a bit less stressed and I stopped feeling like I was failing him. Which, if you can resonate with any of those feelings, it is probably one of the worst feelings as a mom or as a parent. So how do you know how to support them during a meltdown? I will walk you through the exact framework that I use, the same one that I teach parents within my coaching work every day, and the same strategies that I use at home in my personal life. number one. you are the foundation that everything else is built on, because here is the truth. If you are dysregulated, your child will mirror that dysregulation. Their dysregulated nervous system needs a calm, nervous system to feed off of. If you are rushed, if you are stressed, if you are overwhelmed, your child's nervous system and your child will pick up on that. The second thing is we need to slow down. If we can build in 10 extra minutes in the morning or whatever you're able to manage, I promise you that this can help with meltdowns later on in the day. This really supports your child to start the day off on the right footing. It might not be perfect, but it is something, and this concept is that you are rushing if the parent or the co-regulation is rushed, it feeds their child. Your child doesn't even need to be autistic. For it to be affecting them, it does affect them and their nervous system more because they need the timely transitions. They need to be prepared. Calm starts to the day, prevent those afternoon explosions that we so often see. Number three. Offer connection before any instructions, questions, or requests. These are all demands and they can be super overwhelming, especially if your child is PDA pathologically Demand avoidant before you ask your child to do anything when they get up, whether it's get dressed, eat breakfast, brush their teeth. How can you connect with them first? For example, a hug sitting quietly on the floor as they're getting themselves dressed or as they're just playing with something, this will fill up their connection cup, at least starting the day off, right? And what that means is they may be better equipped to handle a little bit more in their emotional regulation state throughout the day. Meltdowns don't come out of nowhere. There are always signals that we miss in the lead up to meltdowns. For my son, this looks like increased stimming changes in his voice. He shut down. He got quite quiet. He would become aggressive. So number five, which is kind of linked to the one just before lower demands. When you see stress building within your child. This is huge. When you notice that your child's nervous system is starting to become overwhelmed, we need to drop all non-essential tasks. Skip the shower, skip brushing your teeth. Let them wear the same clothes to bed. Obviously, please be safe, but we need to accommodate the nervous system, not our predetermined schedule. I know that feels hard. That is a lot. We have places to be, things to do, and sometimes it's not manageable. A little bit of flexibility, however, in whatever way, shape or form will support your child in their meltdowns. Number six is autonomy. As much as possible, give your child as much autonomy as you are able to let them lead when possible. Let them choose the order of their tasks. Let them decide how something gets done that is going to affect them. Autonomy reduces the demand overload, and when your child feels in more control, they will begin to relax. Their nervous system has space to calm down. Now, here's what I want you to really hear. You are not trying to prevent meltdowns. That is not the goal. Meltdowns are a way that your child is communicating to you their unmet needs. They're sensory overwhelm. The goal is to have a foundational system in place for you to support their co-regulation. Some days you might find that things are easier, and other days you won't. Because nervous systems fluctuate, co-regulation is not about being perfect. Okay. Your calm regulated presence is the most important tool that you have as a parent for your autistic child. here's what I want to offer you today. I created a free checklist. It's called the Calm Parent Checklist. Thought I'd keep it quite simple. What this checklist has in it are 10 small shifts that support big meltdowns while building connection. We touched on some of them in this episode, and I do plan next week to go into more. But this checklist, once you download it, you will have full access to the 10 shifts that I use daily. Multiple times a day, and that I use with families to guide them in finding connection with their child and within their own homes to drastically reduce and support meltdowns that they're having. And I know that we download freebies and they sit in our downloads folder for ages, untouched. But I also know that these strategies work and that you will benefit from them. Connection is in our human nature. It is the method that I find supports parents and families and autistic children to thrive. I don't want you to experience the intense trials and tribulations that I have over the years because there is a better way, and you can get this under control and support yourself and your family much sooner than I did. I'll see you next week. Thank you so much for allowing me into your world today. Wherever you are around the globe, if you like what you've heard, I would be so grateful if you would click that subscribe button and comment below to tell me one thing. What support do you need? This helps me create episodes that truly impact our shared community. By commenting, you not only help yourself, but you help make modern neurodiversity affirming autism support accessible to those who are searching for a better parenting approach. That actually feels good. I'm Chantal, and I'll see you next week.