The Shift That Calmed My PDA Child’s Meltdowns (When Nothing Else Worked)

If you’ve been trying everything to support your PDA or Autistic child through meltdowns and nothing is working, this episode will help you understand why — and what actually helps.

In this episode, I share the single shift that changed everything in our home when it came to supporting my PDA autistic son. For years, I approached his meltdowns like a behaviour problem to fix. What I didn’t realise was that the strategies I was using were increasing his overwhelm, not reducing it.

You’ll learn why PDA meltdowns are nervous-system panic, not defiance, and how traditional Autism strategies can accidentally intensify PDA distress. I walk you through the exact moment things changed for us, the mindset shift that transformed our relationship, and the connection-first approach I now teach families in the same situation.

✨ In this episode:
• Why PDA meltdowns are driven by anxiety, not refusal
• The shift that instantly reduced meltdowns in our home
• Why connection regulates more effectively than control
• How to support your child before, during and after overwhelm
• The first steps to stop power struggles and rebuild safety

If you’ve been trying everything and nothing is helping, there is a path forward — one that feels lighter, kinder, and far more sustainable for both you and your child.

💛 Download my FREE Calm Parent Checklist 

Transcript

I stopped trying to fix my son's meltdowns. I stopped trying to make them stop. I stopped treating his behaviour like defiance or manipulation or a personal attack on me as his parent. I stopped using strategies that were designed for a nervous system that wasn’t his. And here is what I started doing instead.

Hello and welcome back. If you listened to the last episode, you know that we talked about how meltdowns are actually communication and not manipulation. And I promised that I would share one shift that changed everything for my family. So that is what I’d like to dive into today.

Before I tell you what I stopped doing, I believe I should be telling you what I was doing wrong. Because for years, I was treating my son’s meltdowns like a problem that needed solving. I was absolutely convinced that I could fix it, because that is what I do. I’m a problem solver, just like I know you are. I’m an educator, and I’m literally trained in autism support. This is my jam. This is my vibe. This is what I do day in and day out. And I love it.

But I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get things right for my son. Everything I tried didn’t work. Everything got harder. And the more I kept pushing, the worse things got. I finally realised my son does not need to be fixed. His meltdowns do not need my help. He needs my understanding.

Once I stopped controlling the situation and really started to listen, everything shifted. So I’d like to tell you that story.

Here is what our life looked like before the shift: three-hour-plus meltdowns throughout the day — sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I tried every strategy in the book. All the expert advice. Behaviour charts, calm-down corners, time away to calm down, sensory breaks, visual schedules. I even tried the things that I teach other parents… and they still didn’t work.

I kept thinking, What in the world am I doing wrong? Why can’t I figure this out for my child? I felt like such a failure — as a parent and as a professional. Someone who is supposed to know this stuff.

But here’s what I didn’t understand yet: I was treating my son like a problem that needed solving. Every time he had a meltdown, I went straight into panic, thinking, How do I stop this? What consequence will prevent this? What reward will motivate him?

I was so focused on the behaviour that I missed what was underneath it. And it was uncomfortable for me to look at… because parenting an autistic child in meltdown is deeply dysregulating. It’s so hard on them, and in a different way, it’s so hard on us as parents. Those two experiences can coexist.

But I had to separate my experience from how I supported him. Because they are not the same thing.

My son is PDA — Pathological Demand Avoidant. His nervous system is constantly in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. He is highly anxious, and many of his meltdowns are actually panic attacks.

If you know PDA, you know that many traditional autism strategies do not work for PDA children. In fact, they often make things a hundred times worse. Behaviour charts, escalation, rewards — all pressure. Visual schedules — another demand his nervous system can’t handle. Everything I was taught, everything that works for other autistic children, did not work for my child or the PDA children I support.

There was aggression. Rooms trashed. Screaming. Physical attacks. And if I’m honest, there were moments I was scared. Not of him, but of the intensity of his distress. Because this boy — this beautiful boy — would never hurt a fly. He was not violent. He was overwhelmed.

If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. There is a path forward. It’s sustainable. It’s doable. And it actually feels good as a parent. But it requires you — as it required me — to completely change your parenting approach.

One night, after a particularly brutal meltdown, I sat exhausted on his bedroom floor as he finally fell asleep. And different questions started swirling around my mind.

What if he only needs connection? What if he only needs my presence? What if all the pressure we’re putting on him means we’ve missed the basics of connection and understanding?

It hit hard. Because it meant admitting that everything I’d been doing for years — the strategies, the interventions, the effort — was making things harder.

But the moment I let that truth in, everything shifted.

It wasn’t something to fix in him. It wasn’t the meltdowns. It was my approach. I was activating his nervous system. I was adding pressure. I was adding demands, sometimes even threats, lots of yelling.

And that never helps autistic children — especially PDA autistic children. You cannot consequence your way toward regulation.

So my approach had to change. Which meant I had to change.

What I’ve found through my work with families is that strategies rooted in connection — genuine connection — help all autistic children, not just PDA children. Connection is human. Our nervous systems calm when we feel safe.

So here’s what I stopped doing:
 I stopped trying to fix his meltdowns.
 I stopped trying to make them stop.
 I stopped treating his behaviour as defiance, manipulation, or a personal attack.
 I stopped using strategies designed for a nervous system that wasn’t his.

Here’s what I started doing instead:
 I asked, What is his behaviour telling me?

When he melted down in the morning, I didn’t ask, How can I get him to comply? I asked, What about this morning overwhelmed his nervous system? Was it something from last night? Yesterday? What built up?

And the answer was obvious:
 We were rushing.

Rushed energy equals a dysregulated child. So my biggest shift was slowing everything down. Building in extra time. Getting up earlier. Not rushing. Connecting instead.

That was the shift.

And what happened? Within days — honestly even within the first week — everything began changing. He became calmer. We reconnected. He let me play alongside him again. He communicated more. And I wasn’t creating anxiety within him anymore.

I also stopped feeling like a failure, because I wasn’t racing to fix everything. I was seeing him. Meeting him where he was.

Now, this wasn’t a magic fix. Meltdowns didn’t disappear. This required deep nervous system work — mostly within myself.

Because when your child is dysregulated and you are too, everything spirals. Their nervous system borrows yours. If yours is signalling panic, overwhelm, danger — that becomes their reality.

We have to be the calm anchor. Not perfectly, but intentionally.

Here’s the framework I now use:

1. I check my nervous system first.
Sometimes that’s two or three deep breaths in the bathroom.

2. I slow the pace.
Rushed energy dysregulates him every time.

3. I look for early warning signs.
Meltdowns don’t come out of nowhere. There’s always a yellow zone before the red.

4. I stay curious, not corrective.
Instead of “stop that,” I say, “I notice you’re having a hard time.”

5. I ask: Is it my approach, not my child, that needs to shift?

Because that shift — from fixing to understanding, from controlling to connecting — changed everything.

If you’d like support in making that shift, I created a free resource called the Calm Parent Checklist. Ten small steps that support big meltdowns and build connection at the same time.

Thank you so much for listening. If this resonated, please share this episode with someone who needs these co-regulation strategies. See you next week.